Generation Kill - Part 1: “Get Some”

Though I’ve watched only last night’s debut segment of the HBO miniseries, I already know exactly how I’ll feel about the next 6 episodes and the series as a whole: neutral.  Totally, boringly neutral.  And you want to know how I know this already?  Because Generation Kill was written and exec produced by David Simon, creator/writer/producer of The Wire, HBO’s critically acclaimed series that ended this past year.  Want to guess how I feel when I watch The Wire, in spite of its groundbreaking casting, unique point-of-view and intelligent writing?  That’s right: neutral.  Here’s why:

As with The Wire, in Generation Kill, the object is not to make you feel.  The object is to make you think, and to me, that’s a death knell for any series that hopes to make me a dedicated viewer.  Yes, the series (I’m going to stop saying “as with The Wire” every time, as its pretty much always the case) provides an in-depth, firsthand look into a fascinating, cliche-busting world the average viewer has never thought to explore, and for this, it should be applauded and appreciated.  But this focus on the world as opposed to the people in it is also the series’ downfall in terms of emotional impact, as the circumstances and actions are the heart of the work, not the characters themselves.  Take my favorite show Rescue Me for instance (a good choice, as both Chief Riley’s son and Sully from season one are on Generation Kill).  Yes, its the only show you’ve ever seen about New York firefighters and the only show you’ve seen that explores the psychological effects of 9/11 on those who were there.  But is the show really about firefighters?  No.  It’s about Tommy Gavin (Dennis Leary) and his fight to hold his life together, to be a father and friend to his fellow firefighters, and to deal with the demons that haunt him daily (too much alliteration?)  The Wire is not the story of Jimmy McNulty keeping his life together, it’s not the story of Avon Barksdale trying to rise up in the criminal world, it’s not the story of Bubbles trying to score those WMD’s (We got yellowtops!  Got them red tops!)  Rather, it’s the story of how cops, criminals, and politicians interact in the complicated web of Baltimore life.

Generation Kill  is the same way.  Like The Wire, its an ensemble piece, meaning there’s no one to really latch on to, no individual perspective through which the narrative unfolds.  This individual perspective is of course not a necessity for good television, but it is a necessity for emotional involvement: whose story is it?  As viewers, we need that surrogate, that character with whom we connect and support as we go through his/her (though its really our) journey.  You know its a bad sign when you watch a 70 minute episode and the only names you can remember are Godfather (the commander with throat cancer) and Randy (the handsome dude with J Lo sunglasses).  

Think about HBO’s other wartime miniseries, Band of Brothers, a.k.a. the Best Miniseries of All Time.  That epic series had everything Generation Kill has in terms of an insider look into a world you only know about from the news or stories or movies, but its focus was on the characters.  That show was about the men of Easy company, not just about World War II.  Generation Kill is about the Iraq War, not about the marines who fought it– do you see the distinction?  It doesn’t help Generation Kill’s cause that aside from one dude with glasses and the characters I recognize from other shows (one of the random cops from The Wire is here as well as the Rescue Me dudes), every other character looks and sounds exactly the same.  Hopefully this homogeneity will dissipate as the series progresses, but even then, I doubt I’ll begin attaching to specific characters or caring about them individually.  

David Simon is a smart, smart dude.  That much is clear.  He never shies away from dealing with important, contemporary issues in important, contemporary ways, like racism, disillusionment, corruption, hope, and many more.  But at the same time, it’s also crystal clear that David Simon began his career as a journalist, not an author or screenwriter.  David Simon looks for the story, the verisimilitude, the interesting idea.  He doesn’t look for the emotional hook, the character arc, or the vulnerability of his primary players.  And until David Simon can crack this code and find a way to combine his journalistic eye for riveting stories with the human need for emotional connection, not only will his projects struggle to find viewership as The Wire did and Generation Kill surely will, (yo David: people like to care about who they watch!!), but I’ll sadly feel the same way about everything he does: intellectually engaged + emotionally bored = neutral.

Grade: B-

Hellboy II: The Golden Army

Buzzworthy auteur Guillermo del Toro has really come full circle with his latest picture, Hellboy II: The Golden Army, the not-so-much anticipated sequel to 2004’s Hellboy.  Based on the comic book series of the same name, this latest addition to the Hellboy “franchise” is essentially the combination of del Toro’s first mainstream American film, 1997’s Mimic, and his most touted release, last year’s Oscar-winning Pan’s Labyrinth: its got the highly inventive and visually interesting creepy crawly monsters of fantasy made so famous by Labyrynth, and its got the absolute terribleness of Mimic in its meaningless, held-together-by-a-thread stupid, stupid story.  

That’s right– this movie is terrible.  I’d call it one of the worst movie’s of the year and easily one of the Top Ten Most Unnecessary Sequels of all time (that sounds like a fun Media Maven Top Ten to me…).  Honestly, how many people do you know who spent the last FIVE years going “When oh when will they make a sequel to HellboyI?!  I can’t wait any longer!”  If it takes you five years to pull the trigger on a sequel, chances are there weren’t many fans or studios chomping at the bit to get a franchise rolling.  Plus, (and this should’ve been, you know, a pretty good sign), the first Hellboy only grossed $59 million domestic.  Ok, it made another $30 mil overseas and did well on DVD, and it was relatively cheap to make (about $66 mil), but still — I don’t think Hellboy fans even remember what happened in Hellboy.  

This film is a mess from start to finish, and contrary to my expectations, there weren’t even enough cool action scenes to hold my interest in between horrible dialogue– there were maybe 2 cool action sequences in the entire film and neither came from a place of high stakes or real need.  The movie is riddled with more plot holes than any film in recent memory.  Here are a few of many burning questions I had at the film’s end (SPOILER ALERT): If Liz could melt the crown, why didn’t she just melt it 20 minutes into the movie?  If Red could just challenge Prince Nuada’s claim to the thrown, why did he fight the Golden Army for 10 minutes before doing so?  What the hell is Abe’s power and why on earth would they spend 45 minutes of the movie giving him a frickin love story with that blond vampire princess?  If Nuala could kill her brother by killing herself, why didn’t she do it earlier to save her father?  I could go on for the next five years until they make Hellboy III: The Tree Monster’s Revenge.  

And yet, Hellboy II is tracking at around $35 million for this weekend– $35 million!  Holy cow!  That’s ridiculous!  Forget what I just said about it being an unnecessary sequel– the guys at Universal look like frickin geniuses now.  $35 million for a movie with no stars, no plot, a 5-year-old first entry, and lots of crazy-ass tree monsters and golden robots?  Moreover, this movie is getting great reviews!  It’s got an 87% on Rotten Tomatoes!  Is there a single person alive who thinks Hellboy II is better than Wanted or The Incredible Hulk?  How can this be possible?  Did we all watch the same movie?  Cause the movie I watched used every cliche in the book to make a superhero-esque movie as emotional and relationship-focused as possible, to horrible effect.  If you’re going to make an action movie where the main focus is the relationships between the characters, you need to have full-drawn, three-dimensional characters.  Does a blue fish/man/alien named Abe Sapien strike you as a fully realized hero?  The only character who seemed like an actual person was Hellboy himself, played perfectly by Ron Perlman.  But it felt like he was only onscreen 40% of the time, as the ludicrous Abe love story dominated the narrative.  

I’m at a loss as to why critics like this film.  I applaud Universal: they picked a great release date, had a great marketing campaign, and capitalized on the American and international love of comic book movies that has become such a dominant part of our media consumption today.  Sci-fi/cult/comic booky projects have crept in from the fringes to become an enormous stalwart in mainstream media today, to the point where nearly every film of this nature is a bankable hit (not as much for tv, but that’s a whole different can of worms).

Actually, thinking about it now, I think I really do like this movie.

PSYCHE!  This movie f’ing blows.  I’d rather be a German doctor made of ectoplasmic gas than have to watch this joke of a feature ever again.   

Grade: D+

Weeds - Season 4, Episode 3 - “The Whole Blah Damn Thing”

So I’m starting to feel good about this season of Weeds.  Each episode thus far has been an improvement over the one before it, and as a whole, I feel the series is definitely moving in the right direction.  Here’s why:

1. The beginning of Season 3 was marked by an inability to shake the demands of the aftermath of Season Two.  Nancy B. was stuck under U-Turn’s tutelage for half the season, and could only move on once he was killed.  This year, the focus has shifted immediately to the new narrative material, leaving Agrestic and most ties to Season 3 behind.  Picking up and moving the whole series out of suburban Agrestic (er, Majestic) into the border town (Ridmar?) was just the reboot this series needed.  It was a smart move by Jenji Kohan and Co. to cut their losses and try to reinvigorate the series with a change of scenery.  And so far, it’s paying dividends…

2. Nancy vs. Celia — A fantastic element of the show that has gone underutilized time and again is the fireworks that explode when Celia and Nancy go up against each other.  The psycho “BE MY FRIEND!” knife fight?!  The initial bubbling hate from Season One?  Things were so dull when they got along last year, so its awesome to see this incendiary pairing revving up once more.  Celia is on the hunt now, and it’s only a matter of time before these two alpha females come face to face.  By the way, Celia’s prison look is a lock for Top Five Most Ridiculous Things Ever in Weeds.  (I’d put a. the destruction of the house by of Andy, Doug and a rat from Season One, b. the Season Two finale, c. Celia v. Nancy knife fight in Season 3, and d. Nancy screwing the drug dealer in the alley in Season One (?) as the other 4).  

3. Doug is coming to Mexico!  Thank the Lord.  Where else would he go?  He’s going down to Mexico to kick it with Nancy and the Botwin boys.  Amazing.  Almost as amazing as Doug’s final “Gay!” from the ground outside the window.  Vintage Doug.

4. MLP looks SLAMMIN in J. Crew and La Coste.  Daaaaaamn.

5. Andy’s “blah” speech, the one that Shane thought was “really good,” was perhaps the worst speech of the entire series.  If the writers think they can get away with that kind of contrived emotional garbage, they’ve got another thing coming.  ”Blah damn it” ??  That’s the worst use of the sound “blah” instead of the word “God” in a slang term since Diablo Cody used the phrase “Honest to blog” in Juno.  Next thing you know, that ugly creepy girl on Californication is going to be asking her dad if he “believes in the power of Almighty Blob”.  And we all know that girl sucks enough as it is without having horrible dialogue thrust upon her as well.

6. Most important indicator of future greatness in Season 4: Drug stuff is looking fairly calm and under control…which means its all going to shit real soon.  Nancy Botwin’s life is never placid for more than a few hours, so you know some crazy hijinks are going down in the very near future.  Combine this with Doug’s impending arrival, Celia’s desperate detective work, and the end of the completely useless and uninspiring Kill Bubbe storyline, and we’re in business.

So despite a somewhat rocky start, it appears we might be in for some very high times ahead.

Grade: B-

Media Maven’s Music Wednesday: “Help!” by Lil Wayne

Haven’t written one of these babies in a while, but as its summer and film/tv are scarce, be on the look out for more music postings than usual, just like last summer.  This summer, we kick off the Music Wednesday’s with a very brief, but no less dope track from America’s favorite rapper, Lil Wayne.  No, this is not a track from Weezy’s blockbuster (and pretty terrific) new album, Tha Carter III, which by the way sold ONE MILLION albums in its first week.  Rather, I’d like to share with a track off one of my man’s lauded mixtapes.

In the interim between his studio releases, Lil Wayne feeds his rabid fans with his free mixtapes, albums chock full of Weezy raps over both new and familiar beats.  These mixtapes are always good and many of the tracks are often better than those off the studio releases.  While the studio albums are more polished, feature more star guest appearances (Jay-Z, T-Pain, Juelz and others appear on Tha Carter III), and poppier tracks like the ubiquitous hit song “Lollipop” (my favorite line: “She even wear her herrrrr down her back like mine”), the mixtape tracks are rawer, edgier, and more off-the-wall.  

The track I’d like to share with you is off of The Drought is Over 2 (Carter 3 Sessions), which Lil Wayne released last June.  The song cops its sample from a song by my all-time favorite musicians, The Beatles.  That’s right.  Weezy + The Beatles = sick track.  Though the track is short, I prefer this mash-up to any off the “holy grail of Beatles rap mash-ups”, Danger Mouse’s The Grey Album, which combined The Beatles’ White Album with Jay-Z’s Black Album.  While those tracks all feature superior raps, (Weezy’s mixtapes are sick, but they certainly can’t top one of the best rap albums in recent memory), Weezy’s song “Help!” makes better use of its source material in the creation of the beat.  

I hate Beatles covers (usually) because I always prefer the original, but as a rap sample, The Beatles have never sounded hipper.  Take a listen for yourself and see if you agree/disagree, then let me know!

LIL WAYNE - HELP! (if the download doesn’t appear the first time, try reloading the page.  Be patient!)

Mongol

It is a matter of public record that there are those out there among you who have described Mongol, the story of (spoiler alert!) GENGHIS KAHN’s rise to greatness, as the Mongolian version of Braveheart.  

Let’s get one thing perfectly clear: This film is in no way, shape or form, even close to Braveheart.  Not in story, quality, action– nothing.  The only similarity the film shares with Braveheart is the violent civil war between good wily Mongols, led by our man Temudjin (wasn’t called Genghis yet), and bad numerous Mongols (led by Tedmudgen’s blood brother Jamukha), and all the accompanying battle scenes you might expect.  But the similarities end there.

At its best moments, Mongol is sort of a good movie.  The element of the film I most enjoyed was the movie’s backdrop: the Mongolian desert.  The film is full of captivating shots of the sweeping plains, vast tundras, and seemingly endless miles of dunes that comprise the ancient Asian lands in which the story is based.  I often comment on this blog about how important unique locations can be to a story.  Movies (or television shows) in which the location itself plays an important role, whether in terms of narrative, tone or style (though usually all three), are always richer for making that specific choice.  This is certainly the case with Mongol, as the land in which the Mongolians live informs their entire way of life from top to bottom.  

Additionally, there are some great family scenes, between Temudjin and his wife Borte, between young Temudjin and his father, and between the adult Temdujin and his own children.  The best scenes are those between Temudjin and Jamukha, as their interactions are incredibly tense.  Any scene in which Jamukha, played with perfect gusto by Honglei Sun, appears is a good one, as his energy and unpredictability are great sources of excitement and intrigue.

Most of the movie, however, is repetitive and slow.  Here is my synopsis in one sentence: Temudjin is enslaved, he runs away to find his wife, is again enslaved, again runs away to find his wife, his wife is enslaved, he runs away to find her, he is again enslaved, he runs away to find his wife, and then he’s Genghis Khan.  End of movie.  I appreciate that director/writer Sergei Bodrov wanted to capture the true story of Temudjin’s rise, but this movie could’ve used a more of a Hollywood approach.  The narrative was too drawn out and too meandering– yes, the story is about this dude essentially wandering back and forth across the desert his whole life, but does that sound like something you want to watch?

 Let me bottom line it: there needs to be a progression for a narrative work.  What comes next has to have higher stakes than what came before it, otherwise what’s the point of including it?  There needs to be a reason to include a specific escapade: Occurrence A teaches Man about love, Occurrence B shows Man how dangerous Man 2 can be, Occurrence C hardens Man into true warrior, etc.  In Mongol, no enslavement or escape seemed anymore treacherous or important than the other, and the individual adventures did not affect Temudjin in important, individual ways.  Everything ran together as one big adventure, and Temudjin did not seem to grow or be affected by any of it– he was Genghis Khan from the minute he appeared on-screen and only needed to wait for circumstances to change, not for his own inner nature to change and mature.  Any movie, especially one so focused on a single character, needs development from its main character.  If the main character is the same at the beginning as he is at the end, what is the point?  Where is the humanity, the relatability, the recognizable human experience that differentiates a narrative movie from a documentary?  

Furthermore, Bodrov seemed to take sick pleasure in depriving us of some of the film’s pivotal moments.  Young Temudjin runs miles into the mountains to pray to the God of the Blue Sky, a wolf appears (or does it) and just as Temudjin notices the wolf…the screen fades to black?  After a long bloody battle, Temudjin and Jamukha finally ride to face one another…and the screen fades to black?  We don’t even get to see a final showdown!  Come on!  

Speaking of fades, the transitions in this movie were all out of whack.  There was no continuity.  One dissolve might cover the passing of 5 minutes, while another at the end of the scene might cover 10 years.  It was impossible to follow where or when anything was, as a weeklong journey was visually and emotionally the same as one lasting five years.  

There was also way too much time spent on Borte, the wife.  I loved the indestructible bond between Temudjin and Borte, but did I need 25 scenes of it?  

All in all, the best summation I can offer is that I didn’t dislike or like this movie.  I can’t tell you not to go see it because its so bad, because its not and has some very redeeming qualities.  But I also can’t tell you to go out and see it because its 2 hours long, generally slow and often disappointing.  So I suppose the best recommendation I can give you is to go with your gut.  If you’re already leaning towards skipping it, do.  But if you’re intrigued, definitely give it a shot, as it could be a winner for some (hell, it was nominated for an Oscar for Best Foreign Film).  

If any of you have seen it, please post your own opinions!

Grade: C+

 

Weeds - Season 4, Episode 1 - “Mother Thinks the Birds are After Her” & Secret Diary of a Call Girl - Season 1, Episode 1

Season premiere night is always exciting, especially when you’ve got two premieres back to back.  I think Showtime has found a great natural pairing for its Monday night hour of female driven dramedies: At 10, we’ve got Weeds, the show created by a woman about a woman trying miserably to hold her family together while successfully maneuvering her way through the great green world of weed.  At 10:30, we’ve got British import (yes, the show was wholly snatched from the UK, where this full season 1 has already aired) Secret Diary of a Call Girl, another show by a woman about a woman trying miserably to hold her life together while successfully maneuvering her way through the titillating world of hookery and whoredom.  Sounds like an hour of television girls and guys alike can enjoy, right?

Wrong.  At least, there’s great potential to be wrong.  I never like to judge a new series too quickly, nor a new season of a hold-over show, but both premieres have me a bit nervous.  Let’s look at them both, one at a time, and draw some conclusions about what we might be able to expect over the next 8-12 weeks.

Media Maven’s Official Emmy’s Ballot

Hey kids– After a trip to Israel and a crazy week in Philadelphia, Media Maven is settled for good back in sunny Los Angeles, and I am ready to get back to work here.

So let’s pretend that this morning, I had the distinct pleasure of filling out my annual Emmy Ballot (let’s also  pretend this is my third year voting for the Emmys).  And though I’ll certainly be doing my annual Dream Emmy Ballot in the coming weeks, I thought I would share with you what I actually voted for and provide you with an inside look at what Emmy voting is all about…if I, say, somehow had an Emmy ballot that the Academy may or may not like me discussing candidly here…

In an effort to stay green, the Academy of Television Arts & Science has put all the nominee lists online, rather than printing them and sending them out to the voters.  You can check out the main Program nominee list, the Host Reality/Reality-Competition nominee list, the Special Class nominee list, the VMC Performer nominee list (variety-music-comedy) by clicking on whichever list you’d like to view.  Each list of nominees comes with a corresponding scantron sheet that is physically sent to each voter and depending on the category, you fill in a certain number of bubbles that correspond with the numbers you see on-screen.

My voting philosophy is simple: I vote for the programs I love to watch, the programs featuring or developed by actors/directors/writers I want to support, and I DO NOT vote for shows I hate or shows I like but thought had a bad enough season that they don’t deserve recognition (cough, Heroes, cough).  Also, I’ve decided not to include any ballots beyond the Main Program because there are enough categories within that one ballot to fill this whole post, and I don’t want to put you all to sleep with dozens of extra cats beyond these.

And so, for your viewing pleasure, my official Main Program Emmy Ballot…if I had one (which I may or may not actually have):

Media Maven’s Morsel - Broadway Edition: Passing Strange, In The Heights & Sunday in the Park with George

As you can probably guess from the title of this post, I’m currently in beautiful New York City (it was absolutely gorgeous out today), enjoying a nice weekend before I head to Israel for the next 2 weeks.  I’ve seen three musicals in the past 24 hours, and it is my pleasure to briefly talk about each of these three terrific productions here.  If you only have time to read one sentence, let it be this: see all three musicals.  You won’t be disappointed.  And now for a bit more detail:

Passing Strange - Though I wouldn’t go as far as to call it “the next step in the evolution of the rock musical” as my friend Adam did, I would call Passing Strange as unique, modern, and exciting a musical theater experience you can get today.  The brainchild of Stew, a singer/songwriter with a penchant for racially and politically driven lyrics (though in truth, he’s very hard to pin down), and partner Heidi Rodewald, Passing Strange is the autobiographical musical journey of Stew’s maturation from angsty teen to mature musician.  To try and distill this show into a one sentence description doesn’t come close to doing it justice.  The energy of this show is unmatched– each member of the 5 piece rock band, which includes Stew on electric guitar, has their own platform on the stage from which they play and interact with the uniformly outstanding, all-black cast of 6.  The songs explode with energy, each lyric has a smart and relatable message, and each poignant scene flows cinematically into the next.  This ain’t your grandmama’s musical (there’s a song called “We Just Had Sex”…and its sung by several different combinations of people), and we’re lucky that it isn’t.

In The Heights – In The Heights is an anomaly; it is both a revolutionary and original piece of musical theater, while also feeling as old-school and familiar as Annie Get Your Gun.  With music and lyrics written by its leading man, Manuel-Lin Miranda, In The Heights is Broadway’s first authentic look at life in the Latino neighborhood of Washington Heights in Brooklyn.  This is not West Side Story, a love story written and acted by white dudes that happens to take place in a Puerto Rican neighborhood of NYC.  This is a story about the people of The Heights, starring people from The Heights, completely in the style of people from the barrio.  Whether its the hip-hop beats, the spicy latin dances, the countless Spanish lyrics, or the sick raps peppered throughout, this show gives voice to a community in a complete and total way that no musical has ever come close to doing.  It’s this fresh and youthful voice that makes In The Heights a blast in spite of its biggest shortcoming: take away the new perspective and its a musical you’ve seen 50 times before.  Each scene goes like this: Character A makes joke, Character B makes joke, Character A leaves, Character B sings about their one great dream to get out of this town, Scene ends.  This happened maybe 34 times in the show.  The first 45 minutes of the show is one “I Want ___” song after another, as each character gets to sing their inner monologue of their dream to succeed and make it out of the old neighborhood.  Yaaaawn.  Also, aside from Abeula Claudia, everyone in the cast has a shockingly weak singing voice.  You wait the whole damn show for someone to open up and belt, but everyone seems to have been cast for their looks, dancing, and energy, not their vocal chops.  Still, I must reiterate: this show succeeds, greatly and easily, in spite of any negative marks against it.

Sunday in the Park with George — I’ve been familiar with this show for a long time, but I had never had the opportunity to see a live production until now…and let me tell you, I would wait another 20 years for a chance to see it again.  Though it’s impossible to pick a favorite from among the work of Stephen Sondheim, a.k.a. God’s gift to musical theater, George is as moving and as beautiful of a work as the dude ever wrote.  I always loved the music, but hearing and seeing it live was one of the most affecting experiences I’ve ever had in a theater.  The score is one of Sondheim’s very best– the lyrics are out of this world brilliant, the music a perfect reflection of subject George Seurat’s complex and conflicted existence.  The visual effects in this production are mindblowing, the best I’ve ever seen in any musical ever.  Seurat’s work comes to life in a way that I simply cannot describe in words on this blog– incredible light projection allows Seurat to quite literally draw the scene, whether its a park on an island in the Seine or a charcoal line on a blank canvas.  While the other two musicals I’ve discussed are most notable for what they contribute to the ongoing development of musical theater, Sunday in the Park with George is a truly timeless masterpiece presented for a new generation of viewers by this exceptional production (9 Tony nominations).

Media Maven’s Morsel: Speed Racer

As I mentioned in my previous explanation, I’m going to be making a real effort to post consistently in spite of my busy schedule.  To this end, I’ve decided to introduce a new type of post to MMM: Media Maven’s Morsel, a tidbit of information or a distilled review that will allow me to post about important media events with regularity without requiring a full in-depth (and more time consuming) analysis.  And so, without further ado (is there any other turn of phrase I can use instead of always relying on that one?), the inaugural Media Maven’s Morsel:

The reviews for Speed Racer, the Wachowski Brother’s much anticipated follow-up to their Matrix films, have been mostly bad, and I’m here to report that the reviews have been, sadly, spot-on.  The film’s first thirty minutes, where the film cuts back and forth between Speed Racer’s first big race and flashbacks to Speed’s childhood with his older brother Rex (played perfectly by Scott Porter a.k.a. Jason Street on NBC’s Friday Night Lights), are terrific and all the race sequences are awesome.  But the other 70 minutes (the film clocks in at 135 minutes!) are complete and utter drivel.  We’re not even talking CBS sitcom drivel.  No, no.  We are talking about a dogpile of cliches, contrived emotions, inexplicable plot points and terrible physical comedy involving a small child and a monkey so awful, so laughable, that it honestly makes me wonder if anyone at Warner Bros actually screened the movie or read the script before they shot it.  Seriously.  

American moviegoers have also been spot-on this weekend, as Iron Man remains at #1 at the box office, while Speed Racer was only able to pull in $20 million, a near disastrous opening for a film that cost somewhere around $150 mil.  If you’re above the age of 30, do not even attempt to see this film, as it will likely give you a stroke and/or kill you.  If you’re under 30, the film is worth seeing if you’re a fan of CGI action sequences and can ignore the horribly written dialogue enough to allow yourself to enjoy the movie’s worthwhile aspects.  

Grade: C+

Media Maven’s Top Ten: Recognizable Random Actors in Commercials

So I’ve been watching a ton of live tv lately because of the NBA Playoffs (Lakers over Celtics in 6 suckas), and thusly, I’ve been forced to watch dozens of horrible commercials over and over again.  Now usually, I despise all commercials, even the “funny” ones (my least fav of the moment is the Wendy’s Snack Roll one, you know, the rip-off of the McDonald’s Snack Roll, wherein a woman poorly hands out important documents at work by using her armpit to carry them so she can have a hand free to hold her disgusting-looking snack roll.  If I were her boss, I’d fire that fire crotch in seconds.)  

But lately, watching commercials has been like playing a kick ass game of “Spot the Out Of Work Television Actor.”  You know what I’m talking about.  Every other ad now is like “I know that guy!”, but its tough to know where you know them from all the time.  I’m going to guess this sudden appearance of random actors in national commercials is due to the strike?  I’m pretty sure commercial writers don’t belong to the WGA, so while their star-studded counterparts chilled in their vaults of gold coins during the strike, the lesser actors of America were forced to find work in the old Tivo skippers.  Below is a list I’ve compiled off the top of my head of recognizable actors in commercials.  If you know who these mystery men are, or can think of any commercials I’ve missed, please chime in so we can have a comprehensive list.  And so, without further ado, a bunch of actors who need jobs:

10. Melanie Nicholls-King, a.k.a. Cheryl, Kima’s girlfriend on Season 1 of The Wire – Viera TV 

What the hell is Viera?  Is that a misspelling of Sony?  Who ever heard of this company?  Do you know anyone with any product by Viera?  And isn’t Viera already a woman’s supplement and the name of a car Major confusion going on here, and even Ms. The Wire and her cute little daughter can’t help me understand it.

9. Punk-looking chick with face piercing — Progressive Insurance 

1000 hypothetical internet dollars to whoever can tell me what I know this chick from.  In the commercial, she works behind the check out counter.  Who is she?!  WHO?!

8. Adam Herschman a.k.a. Glen from Accepted - Alltel

There was actually some controversy surrounding Herschman’s employment as the dude in the yellow shirt, a.k.a. The Sprint Guy, in the Alltel “Wizard-painted-on-a-van-comes-to-life” ad, as Herschman was replacing some other random dude named Michael Busch who’d played Sprint Guy in the other Alltel.  I say, what’s the big deal?  It’s one chubby  ”sch” last name guy for another, plus Herschman played “Mr. Pickle’s Employee” in I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, so you know he’s good.

7. Black guy and blonde girl — KFC Snacker 

Who are these recognizable actors?  I know I know them both from somewhere!  Well, at least the guy.  The girl looks like Brittany Snow, but there’s no way she’s fallen that far from her American Dreams, is there?

6. Page Kennedy a.k.a. U-Turn from Weeds - Bud Light Vent Can 

Oh how the mighty have fallen.  From Weeds to a one episode stint on My Name is Earl as gay inmate Jamal to the supporting character in another fruitless ploy by Coors Light to make people buy their beer because of can “innovations.”  Cans that have blue mountains, cans with vents, cans with magic fairies that pour the beer into your mouth– You think adding notorious gangster U-Turn will make me want to drink this beer more?  Well, you’re right, it does.  Touche, Coors.  Touche.

5. Kevin Sussman a.k.a. weird guy Steve from Wet Hot American Summer - Staples

Everyone’s favorite weirdo is back in action in this Staples ad, where he yells out printer ink numbers to a group of onlookers.  It’s almost enough to make me not hate the poorly run Staples on 15th and Chesnut in Philly where I once bought a bucket of colored chalk and a Cherry Push Pop. I know what you’re thinking: yes, they still make them and yes, they’re still tasty and sticky as ever.

4. Shaun Weiss a.k.a. Goldberg from Mighty Ducks - ESPN Mobile Fantasy

 Actually one of the funniest and best cast of the “celebrities” on here, everyone’s favorite high school/boarding school/junior olympic hockey goalie does a great post-game interview for ESPN Mobile fantasy. Too bad his excellent mic skills don’t translate into excellent movie roles (anyone catch him inDrillbit Taylor? Didn’t think so.)

3. Larry Cedar a.k.a. Leon from Deadwood - NatureMade

Larry Cedar takes the spotlight in this tv spot as Nathaniel Waterman, a vitamin historian discussing the merits of new NatureMade vitamins.  I can just imagine Cedar getting the call from his agent: “They want me?  They want me, Powers Boothe’s opium-addicted assistant to star as a British vitamin historian?  This is even greater than when Powers Boothe stabbed me and left me for dead in a bathtub!”

2. Marisol Nichols a.k.a. Audrey Griswold/Special Agent Nadia Yassir - Bally’s

Great googley moogely, this girl is smokin hot.  She was hot back in 1997’s Vegas Vacation, she was hot two years ago on 24, and she’s hot in this Bally’s workout gear.  You think adding this hot vixen will make me want to purchase a membership to Bally’s?  Well, you’re wrong, it doesn’t.  Suck it, Bally’s.  Suck it.

1. *Arrested Development Alert!*  Wayne Jarvis (John Michael Higgins) and Stan Sitwell (Ed Begley Jr.) — DirectTV

These two guys basically play their AD roles in this silly boardroom commercials.  A fine performance from Begley Jr. (who doesn’t utter a single line in some versions of the ad) and an even better performance from Mr. Professional, a.k.a. the worst audience member Cirque De Soleil ever had.

 

If you know the mystery men and women of #6 & #8, or know of any commercials I missed, please leave a comment! (Special thanks to Hermano and Warsh for helping me with some of these!)